Pee
by jinkiez
Summary: Kyle hates pee, stupid short story. WARNING contains pee and language.


Cartman leaned back from his polished mahogany desk, reclining in a plush leather chair; the luxurious type of chair you'd find in a tobacco company executive's office. He patted his caviar-filled belly and started to fall asleep, only to be awakened by the sound of a shuffle and his office door opening. A man in a green hat and janitor's uniform stuck his head in. "Sorry sir - just here to clean your bathroom."

"Right you are, filthy Jew." Cartman spat as he lit up a cigar. The janitor twitched in his usual anger from being called derogatory names every day, but held it back for the sake of his job. Cartman watched as the man retrieved a large scrubbing brush from his cart, which was filled with all sorts of random cleaning appliances. "What do you think you're doing?" he questioned, giving the janitor a mean glare.

"Uh..just going to scrub. Did I come at a bad time?" the man replied.

"No, but you can't use that brush, it's too harsh. I can't have my 10 karat golden toilet scratched, now can I?" he sneered.

"Uh, no I guess not, sir.." the janitor answered. Cartman opened his desk drawer and searched around inside. He retrieved an old tooth brush and threw it at the rotten worker, hitting him in the face. "Here, use that. It's much more gentle."

The green hatted man picked the toothbrush up off the floor and stared at it. Just _how_ the hell was he going to make use of this? "Well, are you going to stand around here all day or what? GET TO WORK!" the corporate president yelled.

Kyle flinched and grabbed a bottle of cleaning spray, then scurried into the bathroom. Cringing in disgust, he started his work. The toothbrush was old and worn, and it's bristles fell off whenever he tried to use it. This made the job a chore, to say the least.

He had just gotten done scrubbing the entire toilet with the tiny toothbrush when Cartman entered the room. "Scuse me, I have to take a piss." the man mumbled, waving the worker away. Kyle left the bathroom, decidedly not caring if he forgot to clean the sink. They didn't pay him enough for this stupid job anyway. He threw the cleaning supplies back into the cart and pushed it towards the door, ready to leave, when the president interrupted him again.

"Excuse me - I _believe _my toilet needs to be cleaned." he grunted, tapping a foot on the carpet.

"But I just cleaned it, sir." the janitor responded. Was this guy _really _serious?

"Yes, well, it's dirty again. Go clean it." Cartman replied with a filthy smirk, the cigar hanging out between his teeth. Kyle begrudgingly grabbed a bristle brush - then mentally cursed to himself as he remembered his preference for the toothbrush. He walked into the bathroom to find piss splattered everywhere - on the toilet, on the floor, and even on the wall._ Jesus christ,_ he thought.

The fat man appeared at the bathroom doorway again, chuckling. "Oops - looks like I had a little accident._ Sorry_. Heh heh."

_A little accident? How the fuck do you manage to piss on the wall? _Kyle thought. He stood there horrified - pee was his _worst _fear ever. Why did he sign up for this job again? Oh yeah. He was a high school dropout without a GED, as well as a raging alcoholic who'd recently been fired from his regular job at McDonalds. In other words, his life sucked.

"Well, we're not paying you to just stare at the wall - do your job already!" Cartman yelled. Kyle closed his eyes. There was no way he was touching that mess. He stood frozen in disgust for a moment, considering what to do.

"God dammit, you janitors are pathetic!" Cartman screamed. "If you don't do your job, I'll ask them to _terminate_ you without pay - apparently you don't appreciate your salary. What do they pay you, like five bucks an hour?" the man in the suit chuckled. "Only about a 20th of what I make, I bet."

Kyle glared at the man, fury bottling up inside him. "You're right! I _don't _appreciate this job; and I quit. I'm done with you and all the other slobs, you can't even aim in the toilet correctly!" he growled, storming his way out of the bathroom. The fat man quickly budged himself in front of the doorway, blocking his way of escape.

"AY, DON'T CALL ME FAT!" he threatened. "And you're not leaving until you finish your job. I'm not cleaning it up."

"No! Get the fuck out of my way!" Kyle yelled.

"Not until _after _you clean the bathroom." Cartman demanded. The janitor tried to push him out of the way, but the man's belly was too large to budge through. Cartman held onto the side of the doorway stubbornly while Kyle desperately tried to push him aside. "Stop it! Stop!" the president growled. This only made Kyle begin throwing punches at him. "Hey, get off mah jacket! Don't touch me with your germs!" Cartman warned.

"This is ridiculous!" Kyle complained. "Move out of my way, or I'll sue you!"

"Hah- typical jew tactic. You can't sue me - I'm the fucking corporate president! Like I said, you have a job to do and you're not leaving until it's done. Now, _clean up the pee_!"

"I'M NOT TOUCHING THE PEE!" the redhead yelled.

"CLEAN UP THE PEE OR I'LL MAKE YOU DO IT!" Cartman warned, his patience wearing thin.

"AGHHH!" Kyle pushed the fatass with all his might, knocking him over onto the floor. Cartman landed on his back with a loud thud. Despite his win, Kyle fell backwards too, and landed right in the toilet. A large sploosh of dirty toilet water flew out of the bowl, splashing all over him and his uniform. He slipped off the toilet bowl and fell into the wall, knocking over a plunger and bucket of stale water along the way. In all of the five seconds that this occurred, he had gotten completely soaked in nasty PEE germs.

The president stood back up, laughing hysterically at Kyle's expense. Kyle felt even grosser than his grandmother's sloppy kisses. It was a nightmare, and he wanted to scream -

He opened his eyes in a flash and saw blackness all around, shooting up from his bed and grabbing the blanket nearest to him. He was suddenly dry again, no longer soaked in urinal bacteria. Phew. So it _was_ just a nightmare. Thank God. He noticed a light shining from beneath his bedroom door, so somebody else must have been awake, too. A shadow formed underneath the door and he cringed, still a little terrified from that awful dream.

The shadow got bigger and then the door peaked open. "Kyle?" his dad called in an irritated voice. "Kyle!"

"What, dad?" Kyle growled.

"Will you please help out your mother? Ike wet his bed, and we have to get up very early this morning. We don't have time for this!" he sighed.

"WHAT?" Kyle shrieked. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Go clean up the pee!" Gerald yelled. He flicked the light on in Kyle's room and then stormed back to bed. It was best not to mess with a sleepy dad. Kyle felt that familar gut clenching feeling he felt after cleaning the toilet in his dream return again. It was just then that Ike appeared in the doorway, sheepishly glancing at Kyle with a wet puddle all over his pants. His face curled into a smile. "Peepee!" he shouted, a faint evil glint on his face which _almost _mirrored that of Eric Cartman's.


End file.
